Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

I LOVED this book. That being said, it was tough to read because of the emotional weightiness. I felt dejected after the first chapter and even took a break to cry and vent with my husband. This book has provoked lots of great conversations between my husband and I on how to parent our adoptive kiddos better. It’s helped us communicate effectively with our adoptive kiddos and reminded us the importance of keeping their birth families always a part of our conversation. You definitely should read it if you’re an adoptive parent though anyone effected by adoption would do good to read it as well!

Provocative, disputed depending on one's experience or perspective, but still thought provoking and very valuable.Appears grounded in the author's own experience. Research/theory cited, but also a personal reflection on the author's experience.But if the issue is relevant or of interest to you, this is a reasonable text. It is thorough, structured and informally, conversationally written.It does take a problem identification approach and thus comes across negative and to such an extent one may even seriously reconsider adopting a child of any age. (I'm beginning the process to adopt with a focus on older children/youth/teenagers and it scared me a bit.) I think that would be unfortunate, actually tragic.I don't think that is an outcome the author intends. I think she intends to be realistic and thorough as opposed to negative and discouraging and is fundamentally pro-adoption.There are some practical suggestions that should be avoided. While art and art therapy is evidenced based as being very helpful and facilitating, instructing a young child for a task to draw a picture of her/himself and then draw a hole in the center to visualize the psychological and relational hole in her fundamental self and life circumstance and personal history is really not supportable. If a child produces that kind of picture(s), unsolicited, that is clinical content and should be treated as such.My position is a family, whatever that structure looks like, but it always is fundamentally constructed of one established adult who is committed and connected in a permanent, loving, relational, reliable, expressive way to the child/youth and their safety, healing and growth, unconditionally, is ALWAYS better than a group home and foster care.I would read this as a 'for consideration or general awareness' in terms of some of the challenges that MAY arise for some adopted children, but possibly not for all children. There are just too many intervening and influencing factors, including the fundamental personality, psychology, and specific pre/post adoption experience of the adopted child/adult, as well as you, the adopting parent, whoever you are. All in all, a solid book addressing some powerful issues.

I am now an adult. I was adopted as an infant. This is the first time I have seen in print many of the feelings of loss and abandonment being given up created in me. These are really feelings that should be experienced, experiences that should be grieved. The author advocates for openness about adoption, which I think is the solution: Don't pretend there wasn't an abandonment (even if it was for good reasons) and don't hide adoption like it is something to be ashamed of or over-do the opposite by labelling the adoptee "special."The weakness of this book, as others have written, is that it dwells on the negative. There is a lot of good that comes out of adoption. It is probably the most important good thing that has happened to me to help make me who I am today. And most adoptees are like me in that they are accepted into loving families who are open about the adoption and do the best they can to make it day by day.The author at times seems to be overly dramatizing the loss that adopted children feel. But this is likely intentional. This is, afterall, a book about what adopted children wish their adoptive parents knew. I *do* wish my adoptive parents had known that the feelings of loss and abandonment would be there... I wish I could have put words to what I was feeling earlier and to have known that I was not the only person to have such feelings, that I was, oddly enough, normal. We all dealt with it, but it would have been easier for me (and I would have been a more pleasant child) had we known to expect this issue instead of waiting for me to discover it myself while exploring my anger and seeming unwillingness to get too close emotionally to anyone.So I recommend this book for adoptive parents and those considering adoption. That said, it should not be read or considered in isolation. Adoption is a positive thing that can change a child's life much for the better. Listening to the author's explanation of what an adopted child feels should not make anyone afraid of adopting; rather, it should help them recognize what their child is experiencing. For, as the author says so nicely, the child is going to experience the loss whether the adoptive parent knows it will happen, believes it will happen, wants it to happen, or not. Like so many other painful things in life, understanding and coping with being given away by one's mother at birth can make the adopted child a stronger, more empathic individual. Failing to do so can make him or her angry, unhappy, and generally disgruntled. Much better to deal with the issues than pretend they don't exist.

I highlighted a lot of points in this book that were new insights for me about what my son has gone through and might be thinking and feeling. I only discovered it when my son is 18 so I have some regret on things I did that didn’t serve him but it’s never too late to learn and do better. I wrote a letter to my son pointing out the parenting mistakes I made based on what I learned in this book and think that he appreciates being more seen, understood, and that he can open up more to me on the thoughts/feelings he’s been hiding because he thought I would not understand/take it the wrong way. I hope this book is given to all new adoptive parents.

Despite the heavy subject matter, this is relatively light reading. It is a decent introduction to the subject of adoption. For more in depth challenges like attachment, you may want to consult other sources. I would suggest this book would be good for relatives of adoptive parents as well who may wish to be better informed.

Um livro útil onde vários pontos podem ser aproveitados no dia a dia. As dicas e informações são importantes para quem acabou de entrar no mundo da adoção.

生まれた時に刻み込まれたトラウマに翻弄される養子の心のからくり、家族のダイナミックスを詳細に解き明かす。生母からの拒絶による圧倒的な羞恥と自尊感情の低さを理解せずに、(表向きの顔からは計り知れなくとも)その悲嘆・怒り・抑鬱・・・などの苦難の人生を理解することは難しい。具体的に詳細に解説される親に求める支援には、親であるとはどういうことかの本質が現れているように思われる。養親家族、里親家族だけでなく、全ての家族が知る価値のある「人間とは何か」が見事に描き出された良書。

This book covers different aspects of the adoptee's questions and also the parents given thoughts and feelings.I noticed there is a huge pressure on the birth mother and the impact she has on the adoptee's life. However, there are no mentions to the birth father, which made me wonder his role in this process.Another missing point is, how to deal with families when one parent is the biological one and the other parent adopts the child?

Seems to be written by someone who has imagined what it is to be adopted and not to have lived as.I would not recommend at all.