Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Paperback – September 8, 2009

I haven't even finished reading this book and is quite literally the most amazing powerful book I have ever read. I have been going to therapy on and off since I was in high school and this has given me more insight into why I am the way that I am. I have crippling social anxiety and depression and self esteem issues and also always put everyone's feelings before my own even if they are not related to me. I am OBSESSED with being "good enough" and pretty enough for everyone and being the best. On the outside I seem like a calm person who can handle anything, but on the inside I am a ticking time bomb who just gets so depressed and anxious I have mental breakdowns and need to take a break from my life for weeks. Most people don't know this because my family taught me my feelings don't matter. In the back of my mind I am ALWAYS worried about what my mother will think and it has literally driven me to insanity. It is like someone has had a hidden camera in my house for the past 15 years and wrote a book about everything they observed. My mother and brothers deny everything I feel so much it makes me feel like I have delusions about how my mom treats me and what my childhood was like although I know they are delusional not me. Everything I have suspected about how my relationship with my mom has impacted my mental health and self image negatively has been confirmed by this book. All the guilt I have felt about thinking my mother is a horrible parent is gone. Any hope I have had about us ever having a good relationship and me "fixing" her just because sometimes she treats me in a loving way like she does with my brothers is gone. Even when I was a teenager I would say to my mom I would rather have emotional support than her than money, food, or shelter. I would always blame being bullied horribly in school for being depressed and having social anxiety because I am so obsessed with people's opinions of me, but as I got older I have started to think "You know what? Maybe if my mom gave me emotional support when I was bullied or in general about ANYTHING I would not be the way that I am." My entire life I have used journals and forums and blogs as outlet for my feelings. She is so controlling she would read all of my journals and tell me I'm not even allowed to write anything negative about her...in a book for my thoughts...that is meant for my eyes only. By saying that she was basically saying she is SO controlling I am not even allowed to THINK anything negative about her. I became obsessed with fashion when I was in high school partially because the reason why I got bullied is because of how I dressed and she would criticize me as well and would call me ugly. Now she criticizes me for shopping too much when she is the reason why I am so obsessed with being stylish and attractive. Speaking of fashion that is what I majored in and I could not imagine myself working in any other industry. I got the highest GPA in my program and even at my graduation from college she was criticizing my appearance and said "congratulations" in a the driest voice like she was disappointed that I actually succeeded. I did not even want her to come to my graduation because I knew she would make it about her and make me angry. She wanted me to go to college for what SHE wanted me to do and I was the most depressed I have ever been and was constantly physically ill. Whenever I am so depressed I can't get out of bed she says I am lazy. She says she doesn't care if I am suicidal. She projects all my feelings about her onto me. She says SHE is the one who actually has depression and suicidal thoughts and I am the reason why. She says she always wanted a girl and then she ended up having me. I do what she says it's not good enough. I don't do what she says like simply washing the dishes she will become so infuriated she throws a glass plate at me. I am a neat freak because the easiest way to please her is by keeping her house clean, but my brother is 26 and she still cleans his room for him. I could go on and on. The point is my mother is a combination of every type of narcissistic mother described in this book besides the addict. I can't begin to heal from her abuse until I get a break from her. I can't get a break from her without money to move out. I can't get enough money without a well paying a job and everyone always says to me the only reason why I am not successful in life is because of my confidence which impacts me negatively during job interviews. I am tired of being trapped in low paying horrible work environments and then coming home to an abusive family. I am tired of being angry and hating myself all the time. This book is exactly what I needed to read.

Disclaimer: this is an incredibly long review, because I have found this book to be a breakthrough for me DESPITE NOT HAVING A NARCASSISTIC MOTHER. I found working through this book irreplaceable to healing as the child of a broken, abusive home; broken extended family; broken community; and, broken communist state. I'm hoping this review will help women whose mothers did the best they could, but were too broken to love their child unconditionally.A frame of reference: The "Ever Be Good Enough" title resonated with me to my core. My self-esteem issues began when I was about 7, to be followed later with perfectionist tendencies, anxiety, a lack of self-compassion, and a really unhealthy internal voice. My housemate left this book out and I immediately identified with the lack of emotional intimacy from my mom and others (dad, stepdad, grandma), my mom's inconsistent behavior, her occasional inability to protect me from harm, her desire to parade me around her friends, the family secrecy, and her inability to express an internal emotional world. However, my mom is not narcissistic: she is open now to talking about her deep feelings, albeit reluctantly as they're painful; she does not try to control me in my adulthood; she loves and is proud of who I am despite it not fitting with her world view, etc. That does not lessen the pain, however, of not getting my needs for unconditional love and protection met as a child.My loving mother's emotional problems stem from PTSD from her seriously abusive home, coupled with unhealthy behaviors derived from an unstable childhood (depressed mother, no food or textiles available making survival vs. intimacy the priority, state quota housing that makes it almost impossible to escape an abusive home, and the community selfishness that is par for the course with extremely limited basic resources). She has done her best to actively love me in the best way she knew how, and I am blessed to be so loved. What she has not been able to give me because of her own brokenness and paradigms, I am working through now.How this book helped: Despite a fantastic counselor that helped me learn so many great strategies to feel worthwhile and think positively, when overwhelming situations occurred, I would quickly lose my footing. McBride's book allowed me to work through my aching hurt and emptiness, guiding me through the past and continuing the healing I have started years ago. It has also informed the confused feeling and contradictory messages I have felt from my mother.The highlight: The first 90 pages where the most valuable, personally, for where I am in my healing. Outlining and describing every aspect of motherly love allowed me to create a specific list of what aspects I hadn't received. Before this book, I had not been able to push through my numbness and forced forgetting. It walked me through examples in a compassionate way, helping me remember. The book then guided me through accepting the loss of unconditional love through different suggested exercises.Applying the book to non-narcissistic mothers: The healing process was very easy to adjust to an emotionally unstable parent by replacing " mother was narcissistic and didn't love me in x way" with "mom was y and didn't love me in x way". I also found it helpful to think of my mother more compassionately--since my mom isn't singularly selfish, there was more truth in this thought for me: "my mom did the best she could with her emotional limitations and upbringing, but she still left holes in my heart. It is time to acknowledge the pain, work through those holes, and move past them. " I would also add that the author recommends not talking to your mom about your pain--McBride points out that narcissistic moms can't empathize with their daughters. This advice didn't apply to my mom who does care deeply about my well being but doesn't handle intense conversations well initially. The next step of my healing will be to learn more about my mom's past, which she has said she is willing to share, to understand her barriers to unconditional love. The ultimate goal of this is to heal my relationship with my mother by gaining unlimited compassion for my mom and unlimited forgiveness.Below is a list of additional books that helped me heal (from most to least relevant):Self-esteem by McKay (A complete self-esteem primer. I'm referring to the book, not the workbook.)The Color of Water by James McBride (unrelated to the author)--biographical tribute to a white, Jewish mom from her mixed, black son. I am neither black, nor Jewish, but really understood, related to, and worked through my own pain of an emotionally limited mother. I used this book to figure out where to go from here after reading McBride (the answer for me is to fill in the remaining gaps in the past and gain a greater understanding of my mother so that I can brim with compassion and forgiveness for her.Psalm 139, "ESV"' lines 1-18 (free if you type what I just did into a search engine)I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (fiction, narcissistic mother; broken daughter)Hullaballoo in The Guava Orchard by Desai (fiction, vaguely related, about self-actualization and indirectly self-compassion. In an abstract way, this book demonstrates how to meet my needs)

Great book, it has good insight!

But my sense of humor is intact.Book doesn’t really hit on the type of emotional trauma my mom, and sister, gave inflicted on me through the years.I mean I always knew I wasn’t the favorite, but to actually TELL ME this!?!?!Any who. Might be helpful to someone with a different experience with their mom and family

This is for anyone who has had issues with someone in their life that manipulates them. It’s not let’s blame mom but find out why mom or whomever acts this way towards you.